It Hurts

I'm going to type this, fast. As I finish pumping and get ready to meet my group online for a skype study session.

My heart hurts. I knew this day was coming. Just like all the other painful days to come - first day of kindergarten, first day high school, first day of college....ugh, the first night of Ireland sleeping in a room other than mine is looming the immediate distance. I hate it. I despise it.

We've have Ireland in the bassinet since she came home from the hospital. I love it. I love going into bed knowing that she is in there, and that every time my eyes open, they will find her. I love listening to her breath and toss and turn. I hate the fact that soon, she will be one door down the hall, all alone, in a big crib. Without her mom. She may not need me, but I need her. And I hate that I have to do this step.

I've been telling Michael that he has to get the bed set up for her monitor (its a monitor that checks for breathing) under her mattress and once he did, we could transition her.

Then he started preparing it tonight....and on came the tears.....

I told him no, we can't do it tonight. We have to wait until Friday night. I won't sleep well without her and I need the rest.

Sometimes, in 3 short months, I think being a parent is the most painful thing ever. How do parents let go?

Now I feel rotten for the time I told my mom to 'go ahead and go' when she left me at college. I'm sorry, Mom. I get it now.

TEARS!!!! I will report back....


10.20.2011 - UPDATE
I got into bed around 12:15 last night and watched Ireland sleep for a few minutes, through my tears. She woke up at about 1:45 and was tossing, so I pulled her into bed and nursed her. Next thing I know, I woke up at 5am and she was tucked under my arm and we had fallen asleep nursing. I will ALWAYS cherish these moments. I put her back in the bassinet for about another 2 hours then she came up again to nurse and snooze. She always wakes up with a smile this way. I adore her.

10.21.2011 - Update

Confession - I still haven't got Ireland in her crib yet. Last night I got home late and today I just didn't make time to organize her bed with the new monitor and such. Just happily delaying the inevitable. :/