I'm on my second beer...

They say beer helps you produce more breast milk.....at this point, I just like the taste.

I have had a day. Not a bad day. Not an amazing day. Just a normal day that somehow feels different due to a bunch of emotions...


I feel like I could write about a lot of things and I'm experiencing high amounts of ADD today....so bear with me as I share some highs and lows, in no particular order.

Low
I think, as a result of my weekend trip, that I'm losing my milk production, again. I am working hard, again, to increase it. I think using my hand pump all weekend was not as good as using the hospital grade pump I am typically attached to. So, today I have created significantly less milk. The emotional roller coaster this puts me on is insane. On Friday, I had more milk then I can could handle and had to get freezer bags at the beach to store. Today, I am ripping through my frozen stash. Exhausting. Furthermore, I need to up the amount of per bottle mama juice that I give Ireland. So, looks like we are going to be introducing a few ounces of formula a day before long. I am not going to sit here and share the 100 reasons why I do not want to give her formula. But, I don't want to, bottom line. So my heart hurts. My head hurts. My boobs hurt. I am defeated. I feel inadequate and it pisses me off. There is nothing anyone can say. I know I am not a bad mom because I have to give formula. I would be a bad mom if I don't, and I let my child starve. However, it pisses me off. It pisses me off that my body is not cooperating. And right now its hard to accept. I will get over it. Ireland will be fine. But today, dammit, I am emotional about it. I can cry about it at the drop of a hat, as I started to at daycare. I am a hot mess.

High
Daycare - You know, when I write that hefty check each month to let someone else care for my child, it is something else that breaks my heart. I do not know that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but I also do not want to miss out on the day to day adventures of my amazing daughter. The last few times I've been to daycare to bring or pick up Ireland, I have been pleased. I realized that I really like this daycare. I remember the day that MP and I toured daycare facilities and I kept coming back to this one.I am SO glad that I did. These women that I've gotten to know, they love my child. My child actually brightens their day. Knowing this fills my heart with warmth on a level I have never felt before. These women, who are amazing at what they do, look forward to seeing my child. How cool is that?!?! Miss Val will outright tell you that she loves all her babies, but that Ireland is her girl. She will call her 'boo' and is sad when Ireland leaves. She has three children of her own, two of which attend the same daycare. She gets my pain, whether she realizes she does or not. And her adoration of my child helps me leave that classroom every day. I trust she is in good hands. I also love that they do so much with the kids. Today, I watched as Ireland laid on her tummy watching Miss Tasha read a book to the kids. I laughed as all three teachers were watching Ireland try to crawl, in amazement saying she is so smart. (Yes, my almost 4 month old girl is trying to move, she can scoot and rotate). Then today they told me that some of the other parents call Ireland the showoff - because her tummy/head lifting skills are stronger than some kids older than her. It may be something silly, but it only reaffirms that my work with Ireland already is not wasted. Not because she is doing something before someone else. But because my efforts are not wasted. Every time I put her on her belly and encourage her to roll over - it paid off, I helped my child learn skills. My child is a rolling queen. My efforts of reading to her every day has paid off, because she is watching a teacher read and enjoying it. One small win for the mom today.

Low
Godparents - speaking of Ireland and what's good for her...
I know that at the end of the day love is the most important thing that anyone can give Ireland. It doesn't matter if she has formula or if her rolling skills are above par. What matters is that she is loved unconditionally.
Go with me on this....I'll get to the point....

In the Catholic church, I have two Godparents. In my heart, I have one Godparent - My Godmother, who I call my Fairy God Mother. In my heart and in my book, you don't just get the name of Fairy God Mother because you are a Godmother. You EARN the title... and my Godmother did just that. My Godfather on the other hand failed me. He also failed his deceased brother, my father. Shit happens. I get it. Its a tired old story about abandonment and I refuse to be defeated by it. I love despite it.

I got the news early Monday morning that my Godfather passed away. I knew the day was coming. I am sad that he is gone. I am sad for his wife because I cannot fathom what it is like to lose your only ally left in life. I am sad for my aunt and uncle who lost a brother, again, far too young. I am also very sad that its final. There is no more chance of redemption of his behalf. I gave him chances that he didn't take, but I am pleased I saw him right after I was married and that he got to meet my amazing husband. I loved this man, unconditionally, even when others thought I was wrong to love. I loved him when he gave me no reason to. I have no regrets. I choose not to be angry. I pray that he rests in peace, finally pain free. I hope that my father has greeted him with open arms.

All of this got me thinking about Ireland and the Godparents I chose for her. I pray that she never knows the pain I have felt from being forgotten by a Godparent. Maybe my Fairy Godmother set the bar too high. But, in my book, a Godparent is an ally. It's a best friend, a confidant. It is someone who spoils you, even when you don't deserve it. It someone who goes above and beyond - in anyway that they can when they can. That is what I hope that Ireland gets out of the people I asked to be her Godparents. I think she will. But it just reminded me how there are going to be so many things in Ireland's life that I can't control. That I will be unable to shelter her from. Pain that she will feel that I will feel worse. I just hope that Ireland always has family that remembers that she is a kid that deserves love, always, even when she is 31 and parenting her own kid.

High
I ran a mile today without stopping. Small feat for most, but I hate running. I'm also running with boobs bigger than my face and more weight on my body than I should have. I'm going to keep pushing it.

High/Low
I hate to be vague. TRUST ME, I hate to vague, but I have to be for now. I have a potential change on the horizon. I am praying that it transpires. It's a high because I love a hopeful future. Low because if it doesn't pan out, I will be bummed, even if its what is meant to be.


High
Graduate school is ALMOST over. 2.5 years of working my butt off is about to come to a close. It feels GOOD.

High
My daughter has the best smile, ever, and a laugh that is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. We played tonight. We read books. We giggled and laid on our sides and snuggled each other. She fell asleep in my lap.

High
My husband did the dishes and cleaned out the garage today.


Well look at that. The highs outweigh the lows...guess its always in perspective! :)