God really does know what he's doing

A little more than a year go, I was struggling very greatly with the loss of a few people in my life. Change had come upon me, when I least expected it and I found myself trying to process the change. I had some close relationship that were changing and seemlingly weren't able to work themselves out. It was very sad and there were a lot of things that took me a long time to accept.


The first is that life is simply not as you plan. I should know this lesson well, as I've learned this lesson repeatedly over in my life. Yet, it must not have stuck because I still am taught it again and again. You have dreams and fantasies about how certain things will go. And when they don't turn out that way, its hard to swallow.

I learned that trust can be lost at a drop of a hat, over time, quickly, or even as a result of a sharp tounge. Words written in print are the hardest to be forgotten, for they can be called upon any time, and read verbatim. Words really do cut the deepest.

But I realized that I re-learned a lesson today - and that is God really does know what he's doing. HE is awesome.

I have some amazing friends here in Tampa. But up until the end of my pregnancy, I didn't have that friend. You know, the one that just gets EXACTLY where you are in life, because they are going through it too. I've been lucky enough to be blessed with two of those friends. EXACTLY when I needed them.

I have been forutnuate to reunit, long distance, with a sweet, dear friend of mine. We spent countless emails and text sharing stories, questions and laughs about the gross aspects of pregnancy. We rekindled our bond and for that I am so grateful. We continue to share stories of our babies and I love it.

Here in Tampa, I met a wonderful friend in Labor and Delivery classes. We spent 6 weeks together learning all about labor together - with our husbands. HA! In my 11 weeks postpartum, she has grown to be one of the first persons I want to turn to. She just gets exactly where I am with all the struggles and changes a newborn brings into your life. And I am so thankful she is also in my life.

There is just something about going through something, with someone, simultaneously. It really is a gift. Its so nice not to have unsoliticed advice, but to learn together. To laugh together. To cry together. To BITCH together and just get it.

GOD is awesome. Big thanks to the big Guy for bringing these wonderful, amazing, loving, most stupdendously awesome mommies into my life.

I don't know how she does it

I need to see that movie - b/c I don't know how to do it. I have my plate completely full, and I don't know how to do it. I am failing. Miserably. Painfully. Embarrisingly.

My first week back to work was a nice transition. Ireland was home, I was catching up. It was nice.

Last week Ireland started daycare and it went well. The first day went the best for me, I only cried a little when I dropped her off and didn't pick her up too early. Wednesday she cried when I brought her in and it broke my little hard. I got in my car and did what any big girl would do, I broke down in tears and called my mommy. By Thursday, Ireland took a page from her mom and became a townie! She was an old pro at the daycare routine. Michael brought her back yesterday the teachers were already calling her 'I'. I love it!

We had our first 'date' night and babysitter last week. We met an awesome, highly recommended babysitter through our church. We are lucky to have found her. She watched Ireland while we went out with some of MP's clients. We got a poker lesson and then lost some money at the hardrock. Then, won most of it back at roullette!

By Friday though, I was tired. Ireland had a fussy week (she is NOT a fussy baby). I am a milkmaid and therefore sleep about 5 hours a night. I get up, nurse a few times, take the I to daycare, work, cook, play, then put the I to bed. Then I do school work for hours. I'm stretched too thin, I'm tired and I'm not doing any one thing good. I'm sure I'm not being a good friend, I know I'm not being a good partner and I'm drowning. To boot I am struggling with my weight postpartum.

This Monday I learned that the amount of breastmilk I am producing is not enough to solely feed Ireland, at least not right now. I'm working VERY hard to get my supply up and I got some great advice from the lactation consultant today. So I pray that will help. After a very rough weekend, this was not the news to start my week off with. I am struggling with giving Ireland some formula supplements. In true Colleen fashion, I am making it more difficult.I get it, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own feelings to process here.

Anyway, I think I'll stop there for now on this subject.

I've got a beautiful, happy girl sleeping in her bassinet right now. :) I'm lucky.

Back to the work thing...

I NEED to be doing school work. But instead, I'm shedding a few tears because today was my first day back at work.

Now, I know that I am lucky that I work at home, and I am lucky that I even had Ireland home with me today as I worked. However, it wasn't the same.

We couldn't sleep in and snuggle and nurse in bed at 10am, while we are both half awake. We couldn't play in our pj's at noon even though one of us should be napping and one of us should be showering. :)

I am thankful for the nearly 9 weeks I spent home with Ireland. I am thankful for everyone who came over to visit and for those who came to help. It was a magical 9 weeks and while I know that it had to come an end, it doesn't really make it easier to manage.

My first day back to work wasn't bad. It was mainly getting caught up and organized. Tomorrow will be busy! As I mentioned, Ireland was home today. MP worked from home, too, so he was a big help. I got up at 5am when Ireland wanted to eat. We nursed for about 30 minutes and went back to bed until 7. We got up and played a bit then she wanted to eat again. I wanted to go on a walk with her but I was very tired and sore from yesterday so I showered and made coffee. I was eager to play with Ireland for an hour before work, but she had other plans. So, dad put her to nap in her crib and I cleaned and what not.

She woke up when MP was out running, so I put her on her vibrator chair and learned that it makes noise (haha, it was hand me down, I had no idea!) and all of a sudden Ireland started giggling and cooing. She LOVES that chair more than ever. It allowed me to work and her to be entertained.

I got to feed her at her next two feedings and then MP took her out to get an oil change and tire rotation on my car (amazing husband!). I think that was the first time I was home but Ireland wasn't. While it was nice to do some work, I missed her.

She came home in time for me to feed her and then finish up work and get acquainted with a new coworker. After dinner, I HAD to get started on school work. I sat down to work and MP and Ireland ran out to Publix. I cried. I missed her and I hadn't nursed her in HOURS.

Its funny, I never thought I'd nurse. In fact, I was pretty positive I wouldn't. Now I hate when we don't get at least 3 nursling's in a day. It IS such a bonding experience, I am so thankful I've had this privilege to feed her this way.

So, around 7 when she got home, I stole her away and we went out and sat on the patio. Ireland is like me, she loves the heat and humidity. We snuggled in a chair and we both dozed off as the sun started to retreat. It was JUST what I needed after my first day 'away' from her. I'm scared for how I will feel after she starts daycare 3 days a week next week....

Ok, now I gotta go put the munchkin in bed and I really do have to do school work.

This mommy stuff is hard on the heart....

Pictures, Pictures!

I just can't seem to stay on top of my blogging...SO much to say, but being on my computer is LAME when I can be playing with Ireland.

I go back to work this week - and so I will hopefully have a routine, soon. Blogging at least once a week will be part of it. So much stuff I want to remember!

But for now - pictures of Maternity and Newborn!

CLICK HERE

7 Weeks Today!

Life is funny at times. It's amazing how time plays tricks on us. I remember counting down to go to Ireland, 7 weeks seemed so far away. I remember counting down to getting my baby girl, Ireland, and 7 weeks seemed an eternity.

Yet now, I find myself perplexed that 7 weeks can go by so fast. Its quite unfair, really. But, my mom always told me that life isn't fair.

7 weeks ago I was holding my brand new baby girl in my arms and she was merely a few hours old. It blew my mind that she was in my belly, then out. Just like that.

Now it blows my mind how incredible and amazing she is and how much she grows, mentally and psychically, with every passing day.

My baby was born 6.5 lbs, but left at 5.5 lbs. 7 weeks later she has is 8.11. I'm so proud of the fact that she is growing. I never intended to breast feed. I never thought I would breast feed, in fact I used to think it was weird. But, I really wanted her to get the colostrum and once we got started, I haven't wanted to stop. I work really hard to produce milk for her and to build a mass frozen supply! She is stocked so far and I hope our supply keeps building. I get really annoyed by the people who don't know much about breastfeeding, yet feel the need to comment on how small my child is, or suggest she needs more food. She's doing great and while she is little, her belly is HUGE! She is doing just fine!

Of course everyone thinks their child is the best and smartest and most advanced, so I won't rattle off a list of things she's doing. But I will say that she amazes me each day when she does something new.

It melts my heart to a million different pieces when she smiles at me. I don't really know what in life is better than your child smiling at you.

I am loving being a mother and I am loving our time together!

I love you, Ireland!