Here I am. June 6th. So close to Ireland's first birthday in terms of nursing, but not quite there. After almost 11 months of nursing, my body is giving out on me. The milk I produce at one time is quickly diminishing, I do not make enough milk to feed my daughter daily. But, I hang on, one pump at a time.
Why? Because I am addicted to my daughter and I just can't stop. Pumping through out the day gives me the ability to nurse her each morning. For the past month as my body gives out, I pump on! I enjoy each nursing session as if its our last - knowing that soon it WILL be our last. I stare at her beautiful face. I look down in awe that my body has sustained hers for nearly 11 months. I feel pride that I did not give up each time I thought I could find something better to do with my time. I have spent countless HOURS tied to my desk while pumping. I have pumped in cars, bathrooms, and at the beach. I have pumped in the Target cafe under an 'udder cover'. I have pumped in airport bathrooms and carried a big hospital grade pump (huge) and frozen bags of milk through TSA lines and connecting flights. I have nursed in all these places. I have sustained my child.
I never thought I would nurse. Now, I struggle with the reality that soon I will not be able to nurse. It will be a thing memory of my past, my first lesson in 'letting go' I have to face as a mother. My eyes fill with tears but my heart is full. I am proud of me. I am proud of Ireland. I am proud of us. So far, we've been a great team together. I love you, baby girl!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Preparing for the end of nursing
I am very emotional. Tonight is the night that I begin to drop one pumping session from my daily log of nursing.
I know I have said this before, but I meant it. I was never going to nurse. now, here I am, 9 months into my child's first year and I am sad and terrified of starting to ween my nursing.
I have to remember that I have given it a wonderful go. For 9 months I have supplied my daughter with the best of the best. I have provided her a gift that only I can provide her, and I have done it lovingly with little regard to the toll it has taken on my body and my time.
At this time, I am just not making enough milk to sustain my daughter on a daily basis. She is requiring more milk than my body can provide and she has not gained weight in months. Don't get me wrong, she isn't starving. Girlfriend can eat!
I am not getting sleep. Ireland sleeps a full 10-12 and yet I am still only averaging abut 4-5 hours of sleep a night due to my pumping regimen. As I type this, I am not as emotional as I am when I talk about it. I am so sad for the official end of nursing. We are still weeks, hopefully months away from the official end, but I am so so sad.
If you are reading this, I ask that you pray for us. Ireland doesn't like formula and I do not like giving it to her. However, she needs some of it integrated into her diet. I have to start to let go and do what is best for both us, but it doesn't make it easy.
I know I have said this before, but I meant it. I was never going to nurse. now, here I am, 9 months into my child's first year and I am sad and terrified of starting to ween my nursing.
I have to remember that I have given it a wonderful go. For 9 months I have supplied my daughter with the best of the best. I have provided her a gift that only I can provide her, and I have done it lovingly with little regard to the toll it has taken on my body and my time.
At this time, I am just not making enough milk to sustain my daughter on a daily basis. She is requiring more milk than my body can provide and she has not gained weight in months. Don't get me wrong, she isn't starving. Girlfriend can eat!
I am not getting sleep. Ireland sleeps a full 10-12 and yet I am still only averaging abut 4-5 hours of sleep a night due to my pumping regimen. As I type this, I am not as emotional as I am when I talk about it. I am so sad for the official end of nursing. We are still weeks, hopefully months away from the official end, but I am so so sad.
If you are reading this, I ask that you pray for us. Ireland doesn't like formula and I do not like giving it to her. However, she needs some of it integrated into her diet. I have to start to let go and do what is best for both us, but it doesn't make it easy.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Perfect Easter
Goodness, where does the time go? I think to myself all the time that I need to blog more, but I feel like all I do is blog less! Days and weeks go by and I let time lapse without a written memory of what we are experiencing, as I try very hard to savior each and every moment.
The month of March was fabulous. We had a ton of visitors - family and friends - people who came to see us, but mainly Ireland. :)
However, today I want to write about Easter. Easter is a special holiday. If you forget the Easter Bunny, peanut butter eggs and baskets full of fake grass, you will simply think about the reason for the season. Jesus was executed for us, for our sins, because he loved us so much. That's really pretty powerful. I feel as those this was the most busy and irrelevant Lenten experience I have had in years, yet it was one of the most powerful Easter's I've had in a long time. It just felt different.
So, why was this Easter so perfect? It just was. It's pretty simple. MP and I woke up at the sound of Ireland stirring bright and early. We brought Ireland out to see her Easter baskets filled with goodies. She received enough puffs to feed a small army of babies. Books, a few toys and stuffed animals. Far too many things then one baby should get and I am very grateful she has so many people that love her enough to treat her to such luxuries.
After she saw what the EB dropped her way, we went out to exercise. MP went on a run and Ireland and I went on a stroll. We were back in to get showered and ready for 10:30 mass. Mass was beautiful and so was the music. Ireland was extremely well behaved and even fell asleep on me right before communion. As I carried her on my chest up to communion I couldn't help but be overcome with emotion. Here I am with this baby, this innocent, loving, special baby that I would do anything for. I would die for her. I would give my life so she could live a long, healthy life. Finally, it clicked for me. This is what made this Easter special for me. It doesn't matter that I didn't attend every Sunday mass this Lent. Or that I messed up and ate some french fries. I now understand Lent and sacrifice on a whole different level. For once, in the smallest of ways, I have an inkling of an idea of what Jesus felt for his people. It's a very overwhelming feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anything like Jesus. I'm not half as good as HE. But, I can kinda get it a bit.
After mass we met MVP and our friends for lunch. Ireland was dressed to the nines in her sailor gear looking cute as cute can be. The conversation was joyful and the mimosa was tasty.
After a long lunch we retreated to the ever awful Wal-mart for a few items and then made our way home to feed Ireland. Then, we got dressed for the pool and made our way to play with Ireland. As we sat in the sun, one of my favorite places, it felt as though time stopped for a bit. We weren't doing anything overly special, but we were together, just the three of us, in our own little bubble. Life was good. Life IS good. After almost two hours at the pool, we made our way home to feed the baby and put her to bed.
Ireland got in her jammies and watched baseball highlights with her dad while I made us an easy dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Ireland went to bed nice and easy that night and MP and I just hung out.
It really was the perfect day.
The month of March was fabulous. We had a ton of visitors - family and friends - people who came to see us, but mainly Ireland. :)
However, today I want to write about Easter. Easter is a special holiday. If you forget the Easter Bunny, peanut butter eggs and baskets full of fake grass, you will simply think about the reason for the season. Jesus was executed for us, for our sins, because he loved us so much. That's really pretty powerful. I feel as those this was the most busy and irrelevant Lenten experience I have had in years, yet it was one of the most powerful Easter's I've had in a long time. It just felt different.
So, why was this Easter so perfect? It just was. It's pretty simple. MP and I woke up at the sound of Ireland stirring bright and early. We brought Ireland out to see her Easter baskets filled with goodies. She received enough puffs to feed a small army of babies. Books, a few toys and stuffed animals. Far too many things then one baby should get and I am very grateful she has so many people that love her enough to treat her to such luxuries.
After she saw what the EB dropped her way, we went out to exercise. MP went on a run and Ireland and I went on a stroll. We were back in to get showered and ready for 10:30 mass. Mass was beautiful and so was the music. Ireland was extremely well behaved and even fell asleep on me right before communion. As I carried her on my chest up to communion I couldn't help but be overcome with emotion. Here I am with this baby, this innocent, loving, special baby that I would do anything for. I would die for her. I would give my life so she could live a long, healthy life. Finally, it clicked for me. This is what made this Easter special for me. It doesn't matter that I didn't attend every Sunday mass this Lent. Or that I messed up and ate some french fries. I now understand Lent and sacrifice on a whole different level. For once, in the smallest of ways, I have an inkling of an idea of what Jesus felt for his people. It's a very overwhelming feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anything like Jesus. I'm not half as good as HE. But, I can kinda get it a bit.
After mass we met MVP and our friends for lunch. Ireland was dressed to the nines in her sailor gear looking cute as cute can be. The conversation was joyful and the mimosa was tasty.
After a long lunch we retreated to the ever awful Wal-mart for a few items and then made our way home to feed Ireland. Then, we got dressed for the pool and made our way to play with Ireland. As we sat in the sun, one of my favorite places, it felt as though time stopped for a bit. We weren't doing anything overly special, but we were together, just the three of us, in our own little bubble. Life was good. Life IS good. After almost two hours at the pool, we made our way home to feed the baby and put her to bed.
Ireland got in her jammies and watched baseball highlights with her dad while I made us an easy dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Ireland went to bed nice and easy that night and MP and I just hung out.
It really was the perfect day.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
A Glimpse at Ireland's Personality
I that I am biased when I say that my daughter is adorable 1500 hundred times a day. But really, she is.
We are a week out from 8 whole months of life. While I want to cry with every day that passes all too quickly, I love getting glimpses at the personality that is Ireland.
So Saturday we had two parties to go to. One was for the third birthday of a dear friend's daughter, Caitlin. Then we had a housewarming party that night.
Ireland did very well at the party surrounded with 'bigger' kids. She just dug her little grubby hands into Caitlin and Jake's toy bin and made herself at home. Really, she is comfortable so long as their are toys that can be promptly put her in her mouth. She learned to climb at Aunt Erin's and she even managed to knock herself square in the head a few times at Erin's, once banging it on the wall, good and hard. She looked like she was going to cry....but then she found a toy to put in her mouth....and we're back to good, comfortable and at home. Easy going? She must get that from her Daddy.
After a few cat naps and a few hours later, Ireland found herself playing on the floor of a brand new house. Along came cousins, little miss 2 year old and little mister pita child. LMP was all about antagonizing Ireland. About 4 years old, he thought it would be awesome just wave his hand all up in my child's grill, get in her face, 'pat' her head. The LM2YO just wanted to politely rub Ireland's head and point at her binky. As I wanted to nicely push this kid out of the way, I remembered that I cannot helicopter parent. So, no time like the current for Ireland show us what she is made of when bully kids get up in her face. Yeah, she just sat there, and hardly blinked at the kid...with this look....this look that made me proud that articulated: 'Yeah, that all you got?!' and he kept doing it, and she watched him act a fool a bit longer. Then, she sighed, like 'you bore me' and rolled to her knee's and started cruising away...to find a toy to put in her mouth I can only assume. But little miss and mister would not let Ireland get away so easily. Everywhere she went, they went. They wanted a piece of her and she was like, 'peace out, cub scout' and went about her business - you know, crawling, laughing, trying to weasel things like remotes and pulling herself up on things. A cute, but adorable, tough, handfull. Mine all mine.
Sunday morning MP ran to the bathroom while I was in the kitchen making Ireland baby food. (I was making a banana, blueberry and banana puree if you must know, delish!) Ireland was sitting on her playmat, torturing her mother by pulling up pieces of the playmat. Then I hea r THE giggle. The gut busting, belly full laughter giggle. I look over to see her and our cat Niki playing together. She is taking a piece of the mat and sticking it out, he would swat it and she would pull it back and giggle. Loud. It was the the most fun this girl has had in days. (Man, am I a boring parent or what?!) So, I can't get the video camera and I can't call MP b/c this would disrupt these two creatures in their 'natural' habit. (By natural I mean the fact that Ireland thinks Niki is her best friend and Niki has resolved to the fact that this pint sized, squealing midget isn't going anywhere, so he might as well join her). So I watched as she laughed so hard and he begrudgingly entertained her. Now, here's the kicker. She has never seen us play with Niki like that, even though that's what we do. How quickly they learn!
And finally, Ireland can turn her head when we call her name. She knows her name and I am certain she knows the word no. 'NO, Ireland, we do not stand in the bathtub.' "IRELAND AOIFE, I told you NO, we do not stand here". But, she'll stop. She'll look at me. She'll smile. She is my child. I'm certain she gets that from her mother.
I am doomed. But that's ok because for now, I am LOVING watching her personality unfold and this little tiny human become a personality. She smiles all the time, she shrieks and squeals with joy, she laughs when you tickle under her chin and inside her thighs. She LOVES the itsy bity spider and she is learning sign language. Her eyes light up when she see's her daddy and she crawls to me when I pick her up at day and squeezes my cheeks like I'm her favorite thing. She grabs my nose when I nurse her and strokes my hair before bed. She is the most amazing thing I have ever done.
I love you, Little Poops!
We are a week out from 8 whole months of life. While I want to cry with every day that passes all too quickly, I love getting glimpses at the personality that is Ireland.
So Saturday we had two parties to go to. One was for the third birthday of a dear friend's daughter, Caitlin. Then we had a housewarming party that night.
Ireland did very well at the party surrounded with 'bigger' kids. She just dug her little grubby hands into Caitlin and Jake's toy bin and made herself at home. Really, she is comfortable so long as their are toys that can be promptly put her in her mouth. She learned to climb at Aunt Erin's and she even managed to knock herself square in the head a few times at Erin's, once banging it on the wall, good and hard. She looked like she was going to cry....but then she found a toy to put in her mouth....and we're back to good, comfortable and at home. Easy going? She must get that from her Daddy.
After a few cat naps and a few hours later, Ireland found herself playing on the floor of a brand new house. Along came cousins, little miss 2 year old and little mister pita child. LMP was all about antagonizing Ireland. About 4 years old, he thought it would be awesome just wave his hand all up in my child's grill, get in her face, 'pat' her head. The LM2YO just wanted to politely rub Ireland's head and point at her binky. As I wanted to nicely push this kid out of the way, I remembered that I cannot helicopter parent. So, no time like the current for Ireland show us what she is made of when bully kids get up in her face. Yeah, she just sat there, and hardly blinked at the kid...with this look....this look that made me proud that articulated: 'Yeah, that all you got?!' and he kept doing it, and she watched him act a fool a bit longer. Then, she sighed, like 'you bore me' and rolled to her knee's and started cruising away...to find a toy to put in her mouth I can only assume. But little miss and mister would not let Ireland get away so easily. Everywhere she went, they went. They wanted a piece of her and she was like, 'peace out, cub scout' and went about her business - you know, crawling, laughing, trying to weasel things like remotes and pulling herself up on things. A cute, but adorable, tough, handfull. Mine all mine.
Sunday morning MP ran to the bathroom while I was in the kitchen making Ireland baby food. (I was making a banana, blueberry and banana puree if you must know, delish!) Ireland was sitting on her playmat, torturing her mother by pulling up pieces of the playmat. Then I hea r THE giggle. The gut busting, belly full laughter giggle. I look over to see her and our cat Niki playing together. She is taking a piece of the mat and sticking it out, he would swat it and she would pull it back and giggle. Loud. It was the the most fun this girl has had in days. (Man, am I a boring parent or what?!) So, I can't get the video camera and I can't call MP b/c this would disrupt these two creatures in their 'natural' habit. (By natural I mean the fact that Ireland thinks Niki is her best friend and Niki has resolved to the fact that this pint sized, squealing midget isn't going anywhere, so he might as well join her). So I watched as she laughed so hard and he begrudgingly entertained her. Now, here's the kicker. She has never seen us play with Niki like that, even though that's what we do. How quickly they learn!
And finally, Ireland can turn her head when we call her name. She knows her name and I am certain she knows the word no. 'NO, Ireland, we do not stand in the bathtub.' "IRELAND AOIFE, I told you NO, we do not stand here". But, she'll stop. She'll look at me. She'll smile. She is my child. I'm certain she gets that from her mother.
I am doomed. But that's ok because for now, I am LOVING watching her personality unfold and this little tiny human become a personality. She smiles all the time, she shrieks and squeals with joy, she laughs when you tickle under her chin and inside her thighs. She LOVES the itsy bity spider and she is learning sign language. Her eyes light up when she see's her daddy and she crawls to me when I pick her up at day and squeezes my cheeks like I'm her favorite thing. She grabs my nose when I nurse her and strokes my hair before bed. She is the most amazing thing I have ever done.
I love you, Little Poops!
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